Being a victim of family violence is never a choice.
Only the person using violence can decide whether the violence stops or continues.
While women may choose to end the relationship, this doesn’t necessarily end the violence. People often tell women to ‘just leave’ their abusers, but leaving isn’t always safer than staying. Women are most likely to be killed around the time they separate from their abusers. Among those who seek help from Women’s Refuge, 50% believe their abusers might kill them when they reach out.
When speaking to a loved one experiencing abuse, ask the right questions and listen actively:
- “I’m worried because he seems to make you feel bad a lot. How safe do you feel with him?”
- “Do you have any concerns about how he’s behaving towards you?”
- “If anything is happening at home and you don’t feel safe, I’m always here to talk.”
Always affirm, believe, validate, and reflect:
- “It’s okay to talk about it here; you can tell me as much or as little as you want.”
- “I’m really glad you told me.”
- “This was not your fault.”
- “That sounds really tough.”
- “You’ve been dealing with a lot.”
When someone shares that things aren’t right, gently check out the situation:
- “Are you safe right now?”
- “Would you like me to call the police?”
- “Would you like to tell me more about that?”
- “How are you coping with that?”
If someone opens up to you about abuse they are experiencing, follow up after the conversation:
- “What’s the safest way to get in touch with you?”
- “How can I help you? Are there any practical things I can assist with?”
- “Would you like me to sit with you while you call Refuge?”
It takes a lot of courage and often a lot of time to leave an abuser. It’s important to be non-judgmental and respect your loved one’s decisions, even if they decide to stay—they still need your love and support. On average, it can take seven attempts to leave for good. For more information on how to help a loved one, call our crisis line at 0800 REFUGE.
