Thinking of leaving?

Are you thinking about leaving? We encourage you to make a plan, be cautious about how you implement it, and make positive choices in your life.

Leaving any relationship can be challenging, especially when abuse and violence are involved. It’s common for women to leave their abuser multiple times before feeling strong and supported enough to make it permanent. Women’s Refuge has found that this process often involves leaving and returning between four and seven times. We are always here for you, no matter how many attempts it takes.

From our experience with tens of thousands of domestic violence cases, we’ve observed some patterns:

Five things we’ve learned about leaving:

  1. Leaving doesn’t get easier with practice.
  2. Staying with an abuser becomes harder to cope with and more dangerous for you and your children over time.
  3. The reason you leave the first time is usually the same reason you leave the last time.
  4. Only you can judge when it is safest to leave.
  5. Efforts to keep the peace at home will never work because domestic violence is about the abuser, not you. It is their responsibility to change, and you can only choose whether or not to be around them.

Advice to help with your decision-making:

  • Be proud of doing whatever it takes to keep yourself and your children safe. You all deserve to live without fear, shame, and anxiety.
  • There is no right or wrong way to feel when considering your options. You may experience a mix of emotions that change throughout the day and over time.
  • Consider your options carefully before making a final decision. Talking to someone you trust or those knowledgeable about violence against women may help. Do not let the abuser know you are thinking of leaving. You can call our confidential crisis line at 0800 REFUGE (0800 733 843) to speak with a Women’s Refuge advocate.
  • Making a safety plan is crucial, whether you choose to stay for now or leave the relationship. Contact your local refuge to discuss making a plan; their contact details are available on our website.

Finally, know that many brave women have found the courage to leave abusive relationships and have been rewarded with peaceful, loving lives. Considering that around half of all murders in New Zealand each year are related to domestic violence, many women believe that leaving was the best decision they ever made.