Are you living with or going out with someone who is abusing you? Are you unhappy with your relationship but don’t really know if it’s abusive?
Is someone in your family/whanau doing things that make you feel bad?
Answer these questions to help you find out if you are experiencing abuse.
Do you feel:
- Scared or frightened?
- Like you are walking on eggshells all the time?
- Like you are stupid, mad or worthless?
- Tired because you work so hard to keep them happy?
- Sick with worry about what you might have done wrong?
- Like you’re going crazy because you never know what to expect next?
- Afraid for your or your children’s life?
- Worried about the effect that their behaviour is having on the children?
- Concerned that the abuse stops you being the mother you want to be?
- Like you want to kill or hurt the person abusing you or yourself?
- Angry?
- Scared to say what you think?
- Like you have no freedom or control over your own life?
- Guilty and ashamed about what is happening?
- Unwell from headaches, backaches, lack of sleep, fuzzy head, or depression?
These are some of the common feelings experienced by people who are being abused. There is no right or wrong way to feel – you may feel many different and confusing things.
Does your partner or someone in your family:
- Get upset or angry when you talk to other people?
- Get jealous easily or accuse you of being flirtatious/unfaithful even when there is no proof or reason for them to believe so?
- Control what you wear/how you look/what you do?
- Make it hard for you to leave the house?
- Make it hard for you to hold down a job?
- Pressure you into a job you don’t want?
- Not let you have your own friends?
- Always want to know everywhere you have been?
- Check your phone/emails/Facebook messages?
- Make it difficult for you to keep in touch with your whanau/family, such as becoming upset, moody or sulky if you spend time with them?
- Monitor/control every cent you spend?
- Refuse to give you access to your own or shared accounts?
- Force you to take out debt, or take out debt in your name without telling you (such as credit card, loans, or hire purchases)?
- Blame you because you made them jealous, or blame you for their violent, mean or abusive behaviour?
- Keep you short of money, and/or steals/spends money that was meant for rent/bills behind your back?
- Demand that you have the dinner ready/house clean when they get home?
- Threaten you if you try to leave or get help?
- Threaten to take the children away or report you?
- Threaten to kill you, your children, or themselves?
- Hurt or torture your pets?
- Break things that are important to you?
- Keep putting you down?
- Call you names like bitch/slut/hoe, or puts you down, e.g. saying you’re too fat/ugly/lazy/stupid?
- Make you watch porn when you don’t want to?
- Make you have sex or participate in sexual acts when you don’t want to?
- Try to get you pregnant against your will, or make you have a termination against your will?
- Control your birth control?
- Tell you what you’ve done ‘wrong’ all the time?
- Make you do things that make you feel whakamā/embarrassed/ ashamed?
- Use social media (e.g. Facebook) to make you feel whakamā/ embarrassed/ashamed, e.g. posting intimate photos of you, or threatening to post something about you?
- Say that you’re crazy/mad/stupid, and that you’re imagining things?
- Tell you that it’s a woman’s place to obey men and look after the family?
- Hurt you, be physically aggressive and violent?
- Keep promising that it will never happen again, and keep making excuses or saying they still love you?
- Phones or texts you excessively to see where you are and what you are doing
- Questions who is texting or calling you and gets angry or upset if you do not answer
- Criticises your friends and discourages you from seeing them
- Makes light of your concerns about his/her behaviour and blames you for it
- Gets jealous of your relationships with others, including family
- Makes you leave social and other events when you are out together, not allowing you to stay without him/her
If the answer is YES to ONE or SOME or ALL of these questions, then what you are experiencing is abuse.
