Domestic violence is violence by someone who has a close personal relationship or emotional bond with the person they are abusing.
The types of relationships include couples, partners living apart, parent and child, siblings, or flatmates. Domestic Violence happens in same sex relationships at around the same rate as it does in heterosexual relationships.
Domestic violence is not always obvious black eyes and bruises. The tactics used might be invisible to someone outside the family, the behaviour might seem trivial or random, but together the tactics have the effect of manipulating and controlling, making the person being abused feel fearful.
Domestic Violence may be physical abuse, sexual abuse, psychological abuse or financial control.
It can be a single act of violence but is usually a pattern of behaviour over a period of time aimed at control.
Family violence occurs when someone uses coercion, power, fear, or intimidation to control an individual they share a close, intimate, or household relationship with.
This violence can be physical, sexual, psychological, or economic. It often takes place in the home rather than in public, making it less visible. The methods of coercion and control are usually subtle and difficult for victims to articulate to others. These abusive tactics negatively affect every aspect of victims’ lives, including their health, dignity, and ability to create safe, viable, and fulfilling lives. Most perpetrators are men, while most victims are women and gender minorities. Disabled women, rainbow/takatāpui (especially bisexual and transgender individuals), wāhine Māori, and young women are at higher risk of experiencing family violence.
For more information or advice on Warning Signs, please contact our Crisis and Support Line or complete a Contact Form on our contact page.
Different forms of abusive behavior
Psychological or Emotional Abuse
- Threatening to harm you or the children
- Damaging belongings
- Stalking
- Isolating you from friends and whānau
- Actions or threats of hurting animals or pets
- Constant put-downs and belittling
- Exposing children to trauma
Economic Abuse
- Withholding money
- Monitoring finances
- Making all financial decisions
- Demanding proof of all expenditure and checking receipts
- Allotting an allowance
Sexual Abuse
- Forcing sex
- Sexual harassment
- Coercing into degrading or unsafe sexual behavior
- Forcing to watch pornographic material
Physical Abuse
- Slapping, beating, punching, kicking, strangling, shaking, biting, or pinching
- Use of weapons, potentially causing long-term injury or fatality
Spiritual Abuse
- Attacking your spirit/wairua
- Preventing you from expressing your spiritual or religious beliefs
- Stopping you from attending church/temple
- Belittling your beliefs
- Using their/your religious beliefs to justify their behavior
Warning Signs for Domestic Violence
These are often the beginning signs of the control. It only ever gets worse from here.
- Phones or texts you excessively to see where you are and what you are doing
- Questions who is texting or calling you and gets angry or upset if you do not answer
- Criticises your friends and discourages you from seeing them
- Makes light of your concerns about his/her behaviour and blames you for it
- Gets jealous of your relationships with others, including family
- Makes you leave social and other events when you are out together, not allowing you to stay without him/her
Services
At Women’s Refuge, we offer much more than just safe houses.
Most of our clients are supported within the community.
Advocates in Refuges throughout New Zealand are trained in all aspects of family violence and can provide advice and support, including creating a plan to leave. You can call them for a confidential conversation without any obligation; they are there to listen.
Our free, confidential services include:
- 24-hour crisis line, 0800 REFUGE
- Home and community visits
- Support in isolated regions
- 24/7 access to our safe houses
- Advocacy with police, legal services, courts, WINZ, housing, doctors, schools, and Oranga Tamariki
- Referrals to counsellors, doctors, lawyers, and other support services
- Education and support groups for women and children about living free from violence
Thinking of leaving?
Are you thinking about leaving? We encourage you to make a plan, be cautious about how you implement it, and make positive choices in your life.
Leaving any relationship can be challenging, especially when abuse and violence are involved. It’s common for women to leave their abuser multiple times before feeling strong and supported enough to make it permanent. Women’s Refuge has found that this process often involves leaving and returning between four and seven times. We are always here for you, no matter how many attempts it takes.
From our experience with tens of thousands of domestic violence cases, we’ve observed some patterns:
**Five things we’ve learned about leaving:**
1. **Leaving doesn’t get easier with practice.**
2. **Staying with an abuser becomes harder to cope with and more dangerous for you and your children over time.**
3. **The reason you leave the first time is usually the same reason you leave the last time.**
4. **Only you can judge when it is safest to leave.**
5. **Efforts to keep the peace at home will never work because domestic violence is about the abuser, not you. It is their responsibility to change, and you can only choose whether or not to be around them.**
**Advice to help with your decision-making:**
– Be proud of doing whatever it takes to keep yourself and your children safe. You all deserve to live without fear, shame, and anxiety.
– There is no right or wrong way to feel when considering your options. You may experience a mix of emotions that change throughout the day and over time.
– Consider your options carefully before making a final decision. Talking to someone you trust or those knowledgeable about violence against women may help. Do not let the abuser know you are thinking of leaving. You can call our confidential crisis line at 0800 REFUGE (0800 733 843) to speak with a Women’s Refuge advocate.
– Making a safety plan is crucial, whether you choose to stay for now or leave the relationship. Contact your local refuge to discuss making a plan; their contact details are available on our website.
Finally, know that many brave women have found the courage to leave abusive relationships and have been rewarded with peaceful, loving lives. Considering that around half of all murders in New Zealand each year are related to domestic violence, many women believe that leaving was the best decision they ever made.
How to help a loved one who is experiencing abuse
Being a victim of family violence is never a choice.
Only the person using violence can decide whether the violence stops or continues.
While women may choose to end the relationship, this doesn’t necessarily end the violence. People often tell women to ‘just leave’ their abusers, but leaving isn’t always safer than staying. Women are most likely to be killed around the time they separate from their abusers. Among those who seek help from Women’s Refuge, 50% believe their abusers might kill them when they reach out.
When speaking to a loved one experiencing abuse, ask the right questions and listen actively:
– “I’m worried because he seems to make you feel bad a lot. How safe do you feel with him?”
– “Do you have any concerns about how he’s behaving towards you?”
– “If anything is happening at home and you don’t feel safe, I’m always here to talk.”
Always affirm, believe, validate, and reflect:
– “It’s okay to talk about it here; you can tell me as much or as little as you want.”
– “I’m really glad you told me.”
– “This was not your fault.”
– “That sounds really tough.”
– “You’ve been dealing with a lot.”
When someone shares that things aren’t right, gently check out the situation:
– “Are you safe right now?”
– “Would you like me to call the police?”
– “Would you like to tell me more about that?”
– “How are you coping with that?”
If someone opens up to you about abuse they are experiencing, follow up after the conversation:
– “What’s the safest way to get in touch with you?”
– “How can I help you? Are there any practical things I can assist with?”
– “Would you like me to sit with you while you call Refuge?”
It takes a lot of courage and often a lot of time to leave an abuser. It’s important to be non-judgmental and respect your loved one’s decisions, even if they decide to stay—they still need your love and support. On average, it can take seven attempts to leave for good. For more information on how to help a loved one, call our crisis line at 0800 REFUGE.
Based outside of New Zealand?
We can only assist those currently living in Aotearoa New Zealand. If you are outside of New Zealand, please visit Lila.help to find support services near you. Lila.help is a directory of helplines, local shelters, and crisis centers accessible to everyone—victims, survivors, family and friends, service providers, embassy staff, tourism staff, or anyone seeking support.
